So today marks #worldmentalhealthday and I think it is great that there is a whole day dedicated to it, however, there is still much more to be done in this area. Many doctors are all too happy to fob people off with tablets and suggestions of having CBT or something similar, but this isn’t always what the individual need. A couple of years ago, I was prescribed anti-depressants. But this wasn’t what I needed. I do suffer with anxiety, maybe a trait I have inherited from my mother, but I wouldn’t have said I was depressed. I took them for a month, then stopped. Not the right protocol I know, but they did nothing for me, I was still as anxious, just felt like a zombie with them as they caused insomnia. It really made me wary of going to the doctors as I poured my heart out and got the wrong thing! I’m not knocking the NHS though. I’ve never struggled getting an appointment and I’ve always had amazing treatment.
When I next went to the doctors about the anxiery, as it was unbearable and I felt like the world was on top of me, I was prescribed sleeping tablets. I’m not saying I wanted tablets everytime, as I wouldn’t want them now, but the second time is the worst experience I have had. The doctor I saw just wanted me out of the room. Sleeping pills are not a long term solution. This was March last year and I haven’t been back since. I know things that are bad for me, and things that are good for me.
One of the best things for me is Tom, my boyfriend.
I’m often a closed book, I feel vulnerable, tired and anxious so I pull the shutters down. But I have never had anyone see through me like Tom does. And it’s amazing. He ALWAYS knows when something is wrong. Sometimes, I can tell him straight away, others, it takes ages for the truth to come out. I have days where I feel like I can’t get out of bed and go to work, but I do because I don’t want to let him down or make him worry. He’s the most supportive, caring and loving person I have ever know. He’s my safety blanket and I don’t know how I would get through some days without him. He always reassures me that my anxiety is lying to me and for that, I do thank him as pragmatically, I know it is (sometimes anyway).
I am often very irritable when I’m anxious. The smallest thing will stress me out and I don’t know how to function almost. Tom is amazing at breaking things down and making them small and manageable. He understands if I need a day at home in my PJ’s, not doing a lot at all, he understands if I need to cry or just need to be cuddled. He even understands when I rage because I don’t know how to deal with my emotions. Tom is simply amazing and I don’t think I always appreciate him for who he is. I am so lucky. He looks after me like no one ever has or ever would. Yes, I have bad days. But at the end of them I always have him to cuddle me and tell me it’s all going to be ok. He is always right about that, it’s never as bad as my mind tells me it is. He also tells me repeatedly to be kind to myself. It’s hard when you have such low self-esteem but the fact that he believes in me for both of us is pretty amazing.
Tom has inner strength I don’t even think he knew he had. He has so much empathy that when I hurt, he hurts. He teaches me to believe in myself, have faith in my ability and to love myself. He cares for me deeply and I adore him for it. On a day like today, it’s nice to reflect on the most positive and wonderful thing in my life – that’s you, Tom. So thank you for being my rock and seeing me through my bad days, my nightmares and my awful thoughts and memories. I love you. xxxx