So today is known as Blue Monday – allegedly the most depressing day of the year. It’s understandable really. Many people got paid weeks ago, had Christmas and New Year to pay for and still have a couple of weeks to go until they get paid again. The weather is grey, chilly and just generally a bit shit. But upon reflection, today has actually been my best day in over a week! It’s strange how your mind works sometimes and it it terrifying how powerful it is. I looked out of the window about half an hour ago and I thought to myself ‘how bloody lovely, it is still light and the sky was a gorgeous orange where the sun was setting, summer will be here soon’. And it will. We all crave sunshine and light, more so at this time of year.
January is an awful month, there’s no way around it. When I saw my mum last week, she was feeling fed up and a bit down and I totally got it. I had been feeling that way too. Some days just feel so long and exhausting that doing the basic things feel a struggle. But there is light at the end of the seemingly never-ending tunnel.
I was off work yesterday and I felt like I totally wasted the day. I felt anxious and tired as soon as I woke up and spent all morning being lazy on the sofa moaning about having a headache and promising myself I would be productive in the afternoon. I was lucky that I got taken out for a lovely pub lunch which brightened me considerably. However, as soon as I was back in my comfort zone, I was back on the sofa where my headache turned into a migraine and I ended up sleeping for three hours and accomplishing precisely nothing in the day.
When I woke up today, I did feel determined to actually do something productive and not waste my day off. As I’ve already touched on, last week was not good week for me. I was full of anxiety, self-doubt, tiredness and feeling like I’m not enough or not good enough. Being stuck inside your own head when all these negative thoughts are whirring round is not easy. You’re battling against yourself to not believe those irrational thoughts but they always seem to win. I become a shadow of myself when I feel like that and I close myself off, just wanting to hide behind some persona that everything is fine. But as soon as I’m home, I feel exhaustion wash over me and I give in to all those negative thoughts about myself and desperately wish I was different, someone worthy of my partner’s love and that he will find someone better. Seems dramatic I know. But unfortunately that’s how it is.
I know it’s not right to think like that and allow those thoughts to take over my mind but sometimes it seems to be easier to succumb to them rather than use my energy fighting them. Occasionally feeling like I’m going to burst into tears because I have to do the washing up as well as cook isn’t really my idea of fun on a Saturday night! I didn’t actually know it was Blue Monday today but I decided I wanted to change my mindset and focus on the positive things in my life – and there are a lot of them! I’m just going to make small changes and I’m starting with my diet and just cutting things out and making sure I’m eating three meals a day with no snacking in between. Since working in a restaurant I’ve developed a sweet tooth and that’s the worst thing to have! I’ve swapped to sweetener in my tea instead of sugar and I’m determined not to have any sweets or chocolate even though I’m sitting here resisting the urge to get a packet of fruitella sweets out of the cupboard!
So what’s the point of this? I don’t really have one! Just that it’s ok not to be ok. If you’re struggling today, then it could all look brighter in the morning. As my boyfriend always tells me, just take it hour by hour. Don’t put too much on yourself and speak to people around you. Or if you find that difficult to do like I do, write it down, either for yourself or for someone who loves you to read and help them to understand.